In haven’t done this in a while. I’m writing on my phone while lying in bed next to my sweet sleeping boy. The moment is too sacred to bother getting up to write. I fear ending it so I’m writing this way, with rapid thumbs and endless typos, this will have to do.
It’s just light enough in the room to make out my son’s angelic face. It’s in the moments like these, the fragile, limited moments that I become dumbfounded with the reality of the gift I’ve been given. There’s an actual miniature human being laying beside me who’s entire world depends on me. I am his everything.
Ok maybe not everything… but pretty close. If his world were a pie chart, Mama would cover at least 80%. It’s just the way it is. We’re built to depend on a primary caregiver in our early years, right? It’s not like I did anything special to deserve this. It just IS.
And that’s the weirdest part… He was just given to me. I had to study hard and take classes before I was even allowed to drive a car. I had to pay a lot of money and work really hard for my degree. I had to search awhile to find the perfect man to marry. But this, it feels like he was just given to me. Now obviously, if my pregnant, bloated, miserable self from 2 years ago was reading this I’d have to give myself a piece of my mind. I mean, I had to work hard in some ways to get our boy here. But really… I had nothing to do with this miracle that lays soundly next to me.
Yet, here we are laying together as if it’s always been this way. This is incredible. I mean, I get to be with him all of the time. I get to hear him laugh his silly laugh and wipe away his delicate tears. I get to hear him say uh oh! and choo choo! and teach him about ducks. I get to kiss his soft skin and eat his sweet toes. I’m not sure that I did anything to deserve this amazing privilege. I know I didn’t. It just is.
It’s kind of nice feeling so important to someone. I know I’ll miss it when our kids are grown. Maybe that’s (not so secretly) why I want to have a zillion (read: 4) kids now. This feeling of cherishing and being so cherished in return is kind of addicting. It’s so pure and simple. Spousal love is incomparably special but it’s so complex. The love between parent and child is just…easy.
Our days are filled with colors and play. There’s excitement around every corner. There’s so much to learn and discover. I am reminded of all the good that is in the world. The darkness that so often bogs me down is there but it seems so insignificant when I’m snuggled-up in toddler love.
Motherhood reminds me of what matters. Love, kindness, laughter, exploration, courage, emotional expression, authenticity, connection, hope… All of these things are real and thriving.
Motherhood has been good for me. Please don’t misunderstand, motherhood is crazy hard sometimes. I’ve seen some of my ugliest of uglies emerge. There have been times when I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind. Especially during the newborn stage… eek. Fuzzy, sleep-deprived memories are emerging! Ok, back to the warm and fuzzy stuff of now…
I’m not trying to brag or make anyone feel guilty if they’re having a hard time with motherhood. I just want to be real. And this is my reality right now: Motherhood rocks. Too often do we equate being “real” with being honest about the hard stuff. Why don’t we honor and respect others when they are honest about the good stuff too? It kind of sucks feeling like I have to hide that part because I don’t want other people to feel bad. Honestly, you know what it is? It’s lonely.
So, I’m hoping there are some other moms out there who are in the same boat as me. We can humbly and freely admit that motherhood is HARD AS HECK but we can also joyfully announce that IT’S AWESOME. It’s both. It’s ugly and it’s lovely. I think if we can be honest about all of it we can give others hope. The moms that are in a rough spot can have hope that the hard part is just one part, it’s a phase and there will be fun parts. That’s the thing with motherhood. It’s cyclical. It’s hard for a season and then it’s smooth again.
I guess today, it being Mother’s Day and all, I was thinking it would be fun to focus on the good stuff. Tell me, what do you love most about being a Mom?? I would love to hear your stories or unique things that make your heart full.
Happy Mother’s Day Mamas!!
PS I want to state that I know how hard this day can be for people, for many reasons today can be a day of mourning. However, I still think it’s important for those of us who have been given the gift of motherhood to take time to reflect with gratitude. I actually see it as honoring those who so desperately want to be mothers but who are not. When we only complain, their pain becomes trivialized. I also believe it can be very healing for those who have lost their mothers to see that the legacy of motherhood is being carried on joyfully by others. The joy that we share does not erase the pain that others may feel on this day, inversely, it honors it.