I was hanging with the Mama Tribe today and we got onto the ever-anxiety-provoking topic of having more children. Ok, I’ll be honest, I brought it up. A couple of the mamas have been having a really hard time with their kiddos lately and Luca isn’t sleeping great either. So, I flippantly made the comment, “Yeah, sometimes an only child doesn’t sound so bad…”
My comment was immediately met with all of the reasons why having more children will be ok. I listened….but admittedly, I was very anxious and may not have been listening well.
Do I love my son? Absolutely.
Do I love being a mom? Most of the time.
There are other times, when it really really sucks.
I’ll be honest and say that I am concerned that by having more children, there will be more sucky times and less good times. Because there is only so much time…. And because having more kids means having more problems that I’ll need to clean-up, solve, kiss better, and bear through. It’s a simple mathematical formula. See what I’m saying? I’m talking ratios here.
Part of our conversation was about whether it’s easier to go from zero kids to one kid or from one to two, or two to three, etc. Well, obviously I have no idea because I’ve only done one of those scenarios. Yet, it makes sense to me (as one of the Mamas pointed-out) that the hardest part is over.
Going from a land of “me” to a land of “us” is super hard. You kind of go into that land when you get married but parenthood is on a whole different continent. Because you can’t negotiate or reason with a newborn baby who won’t sleep/stop nursing/stop crying/and so on. At least my husband is somewhat reasonable (love ya, Hon).
So, I don’t know… Maybe it won’t be so bad. I mean, I’ve already ripped off the band-aid right? I’ve already entered the land of parenthood.
Aaannnd… Here’s the kicker. I really really want more kids. I’m actually so excited about it.
Am I confusing you yet?
Welcome to my crazy head.
Yes, I feel BOTH: Terrified. And. Ecstatic. to have more kids. Terrified because I know that I’ll have to grow and become more selfless. Ecstatic because I love watching little people learn and grow. I love facilitating their innate drive to master tasks. I love providing comfort. I love nothing more than the sound of my boy’s sweet giggles. Man, sometimes I think I was made for this.
But yeah, remember the terrified Jaclyn that was at the Mama’s group today? She’s still here too. She wants to remember what it’s like to go on an ACTUAL vacation. And what sleeping from 10pm to 7am without waking-up once feels like. And eating-out, that was relaxing and fun once right? Those things sound really appealing. And they were great.
It’s nice to have freedom and a more care-free life… but it’s also nice to have a little person waddling around calling me Ma-Ma with a goofy grin on his face. I’m not going to say one is better than the other. They are entirely different. I think both childless and childfull (so not a word) people are capable of having lives rich with meaning and joy.
But this is the path I have chosen. It is the gift God has given me. In many ways, motherhood is forming me into a better person. Not all will need that journey, but I think I do. In fact, I don’t doubt that I will have many children because that’s probably what it will take to truly break me down. And I mean that in the best possible way.
I also meant what I said that sometimes I think I was made for this. I’ll just be super transparent here and say that I think I’m actually a pretty good mom. This is only by the grace of God and I’m not just saying that to be humble. Like for reals, I could never have done this if he hadn’t already done some MAJOR work on me first.
So, I’d like to think that parenthood is not only benefitting me in terms of my personal growth, but that I’m also having a positive impact on my kid(s). (If I didn’t think that I may slip into some horrid martini drenched depression.)
Bring it on God. Bring on the scampering feet and the semi-solid poo cleaning. I know I can only do it by your grace and with your strength so don’t you dare leave me… but bring it on.
- Childless Women, Villains or saving Mankind from itself? (itstartswithbee.org)
- This is Your Brain on Parenthood (psychologytoday.com)
- Luca May Be an Only Child (kindacrunchy.com)