You’re probably wondering why I didn’t just write 6:00pm for this entry. I didn’t because it’s not 6pm… It’s 5:59 and on a day of silence and fasting, every. minute. feels. looong. Yeah, I’m fasting from all media which, unfortunately, includes music.
On a night like tonight, when my husband is working later than usual, I would normally be jamming to The Lumineers right now. Instead, enveloped in quiet, I sit in our oversized armchair, drinking ice water, wondering if my 10-month-old is ever going to wake-up from his nap. If you’re a parent, you know understand how desperate I am for entertainment if I actually want my kid to wake-up.
Here’s the crazy thing… This day started-out great. Ok, well, to be totally honest, I felt a little panicked when I first woke-up. As soon as I opened my eyes, I remembered that it was Monday. Then I remembered that it was Seek Week. That’s when the anxiety set-in.
Usually, I can easily cure a case of ‘The Mondays’ by giving myself lots of little “perks” throughout the day. I look forward to reading my favorite blog, texting friends, and eating a yummy dinner (followed by dessert of course)… all to the soundtrack of my Spotify playlist. Well, obviously none of that would be happening today.
Then, I got kind of excited. All of the sudden, the day seemed… open. I felt eager to spend time with God in the quiet. Once, my little guy went down for his first nap, I immediately snuggled-in with my Bible and an open heart.
That’s when I freaked-out again. What if nothing happens? Gulp. What if I sit here for who knows how long and I don’t hear anything?
It was almost like I was afraid to sit with God because I didn’t want to walk away a failure. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was only Day One of Seek Week. Today would probably be like a “warm-up day.” I just needed to jump in.
So I did. And let me tell you… some major stuff was revealed to me. I was shocked to say the least.
Coming-out of that prayer session I felt an overwhelming sense of joy and peace. I wanted to do nothing but praise God. I did too. I sang some worship songs around the house. It was so awesome! I heard from God! Woo hoo! I felt so relieved. Until…
I realized this was just Day One.
I felt you know, good. Like I didn’t really need any more days. I got some awesome revelation from God… why should I fast or do any of this other stuff anymore. Obviously, God had said His piece. Then….
I realized He might not be done with me yet.
I have four. more. days. of living a chocolate-free, facebook-free, sanity-providing-music-free existence. Then the worst thought came…
What if He starts revealing the ugly parts of myself?
Suddenly, my house seemed painfully quiet.
Suddenly, I wanted a piece of chocolate like it was oxygen.
This all happened around 10am. You can see now why the minutes leading to 5:59pm felt like an eternity.
Over and over throughout the day, as I was tempted with various ways to bend (not totally break) the fast. I had to remind myself that I was choosing this sacrifice for a deeper purpose. I was intentionally putting myself through this.
When I feel the absence of my usual comforts I am given the opportunity to turn to God for comfort instead.
And so, I have been trying to turn to God in those tough moments. Though, I will admit, this isn’t easy for me.
At times, I found myself filling my time with unnecessary house projects. I had to constantly re-orient myself to seek God when I was anxious.
One of the most beautiful gifts of the day was feeling more present than ever with my son. As he ate his lunch, I watched with delight as he studied each piece of food and ever-so-carefully placed it in his mouth. He is so incredibly adorable.
Normally, I would be busy catching-up on emails or Facebook while my kid eats. But not today. Today, I relished in the beautiful creation that God has blessed us with. My heart spilled over with praise as I watched a myriad of his precious expressions as he discovered the food before him.
I started to wonder why I was normally so busy all of the time. My son discovers things like this every day. I became sad that I had missed some of those priceless moments.
That moment. This day. Was a gift. It may have been difficult to bear at times, but there were also moments that were so special that I would do it again and again.
Fortunately, I have four more days to do just that. Bring it on.
- Kicking-Off Seek Week (kindacrunchy.com)
- Living in the Fast Lane (devotedteachersheart.com)
- Fasting & Gearing up for GREAT things ahead (ultimatelovestory.wordpress.com)