How Our Image of God Affects Our Perception of Children

Children behaviour: Offence and Boasting.
Children behaviour: Offence and Boasting. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Children are terrible.” -Mike Mason

This is a quote from a book that Caleb was reading a little while ago called, “The Mystery of Children.” It’s a philosophical book written by a Christian pastor. At first, I was quite taken aback by this statement. However, the author insisted that children are terrible in a less traditional sense. Here’s what the Free Dictionary has to say about the word:

ter·ri·ble (tr-bl)

adj.

1. Causing great fear or alarm; dreadful: a terrible bolt of lightning; a terrible curse.
2. Extremely formidable: terrible responsibilities.
3. Extreme in extent or degree; intense: the life for which he had paid so terrible a price” (Leslie Fiedler).

4.

a. Unpleasant; disagreeable: had a terrible time at the party; terrible food.
b. Very bad: a terrible actor.
My kid doesn’t cause me “great fear or alarm” and hopefully your doesn’t either, but he is quite disagreeable. That is, when I plan my day (or life, really) he often seems to have other ideas as to how I should spend my time. So, he is kind of disagreeing with me. When Mason was defining children as “terrible” what he really meant was this: children will turn your world upside down. They will ruin your plans and strip you of your entitlement. This is not pleasant. However, I would like to propose that it’s not the children that are terrible. It’s the experience of losing our freedom that’s terrible. Afterall, we are the ones who brought them into this world willingly… They’re just humans trying to get their needs met. They didn’t say, “Hey, I think I’ll be born and then I will ruin that woman’s life by keeping her up and pooping on her when she’s late for a meeting!” I know this, yet there are times when I feel like Luca is purposefully ruining my plans/manipulating me/being demanding when I am busy. My kid is 9 months old. He isn’t smart enough to come-up with such devious behavior. So why do I often jump to this conclusion?
I’ve realized that I have the underlying belief that kids are bad.
I wonder if you have it too. I wonder that, because I hear a LOT of people say things like, “Oh, he has your number!” (Meaning: He knows how to manipulate you to get what he wants!) or “She’s cute isn’t she? Oh she KNOWS she’s cute!” (Meaning: she will use her cuteness to get attention) or “Will you be nice and let your Mommy sleep tonight?” (As if his needs for the night are in his control and he chooses whether to be mean or nice to me by waking me…) All of these comments were for children who are under 18 months of age. From a developmental standpoint, the fact is this: children this young do NOT have the capability of being manipulative.

ma•nip•u•la•tive (məˈnɪp yəˌleɪ tɪv, -yə lə tɪv)  

adj.

1. of or pertaining to manipulation; serving to manipulate.
2. influencing or attempting to influence the behavior or emotions of others for one’s own purposes.
Well, maybe I’ll take that back. According to the definition above, kids are sort-of manipulative. They are concerned about their “own purposes” in the sense that they have needs and their job is to find out how to get them met (It’s a survival mechanism). But when we use the term “manipulative” we usually don’t mean it in this way. We usually think it means: my kid is going to put on some kind of unnecessary, exaggerated behavior so that they can get what they want. It’s like we think our kid is a miniature Dr. Evil, secretly conspiring to mess with us. In reality, kids are rightfully reacting to the absence of a need that they have. Often, because they can’t talk yet, we think babies are just being difficult. Yet, if they could talk, they might say things like: I’m crying because I miss you or my PJ’s are uncomfortable or… or… or… There are so many things that could be going on, yet we go over our small checklist (fed? rested? diaper changed?) and if all are ok, then the kid is just being manipulative. In other words, our kid is just being BAD.
This is where our God Image comes in. How do you think God views people? Do you think He has a positive or negative view of us? Most of my life, I thought that God had a negative view of people. It wasn’t until I took a Spiritual Formation class at Vanguard University that I was taught otherwise. There, I was taught about the true definition of sin. I came to learn that sin isn’t necessarily a list of “bad behaviors,” rather it’s a posture of the heart. Sin is wanting to be our own God, which by default, means we are denying the one true God. All of the “bad behaviors” that we consider “sin” are really just a manifestation of our desire to obtain all of the things that God can give us but without turning to God. For example, often people abuse alcohol or drugs to find peace when life is demanding or overwhelming. Yet, God is the  only one who can provide us with true peace. By turning to a substance, we are telling God, “I don’t need you” and our bodies pay the price. This makes God sad and even angry because he loves us and doesn’t want to see us turn to destructive behavior. So God HATES this behavior because it is harmful to us and it keeps us from coming to Him. But he doesn’t hate us for doing it.
In fact, one of the most profound things I learned in this class is that God sees us from a developmental perspectiveJust as children have the capacity for learning and understanding according to their developmental stage, so do we as people have our limitations according to our spiritual development. God sees us uniquely, according to our capacity for understanding Him. What this means is this, if I am a “spiritual infant” in God’s eyes He will understand that my desire to get drunk every weekend is merely my desire for His peace. Although, I don’t recognize that what I want is “His” peace.  He offers grace and forgiveness for that behavior because he understands my heart. Out of his love, he will encourage me to come to him instead of alcohol because His peace isn’t harmful and it will provide me the true peace I desire. You can see from this illustration, that we could try to get “peace” from anything, even things that don’t seem “sinful” like… watching tv. So, the point that stood-out to me is this, God doesn’t see me as BAD. He sees me as a complex being that is trying to get a valid need met (peace) but just going about it in the only way I know how, wether it be by blog writing or by smoking crack.
As a parent, I am trying to have this same perspective toward my kid. His mind is only so developed at this point. His tools for getting his needs met are extremely limited. He doesn’t have the complex understanding that his needs may be imposing on mine. He won’t even have the capacity for empathy- the ability to understand another’s feelings or experience- for YEARS from now. I think I’ll save myself a lot of frustration if I remind myself of his limitations. In a nutshell: my kid isn’t mean. He isn’t manipulative. He isn’t BAD. He’s just a living being trying to thrive in this world. As he gets older and has the capacity for it, I can teach him how to identify his emotions and how to use words to ask for things. He’ll be able to understand empathy eventually and then we can talk about “fairness” and things of that nature. Until then, I have to give Him the grace that God has given me. I know it’s the right thing to do but I’ll admit, it’s terribly difficult.
Related Articles:
Advertisements

6 thoughts on “How Our Image of God Affects Our Perception of Children

  1. I love this. So well said, so true. I hate it when people say my 7 month old is spoiled, like he is trying to get something from me that he shouldn’t have or doesn’t need. Come on. I love your description of sin, as well. I began to see sin in these terms a few years ago, and it really changed my perception of God. He wants my

    Like

  2. I would love to know what you think about something I’ve pondered lately…at what point is a baby able to understand discipline? At what point do they know they’re testing Mom and Dad? I know it’s probably past a year, but sometimes it feels like my little man is doing things just to test me. He is so stubborn! I think you’re right, though, that he wants his needs met and finds very clear ways of communicating this. It’s hard to keep that perspective when I’m sleep deprived and he is fighting sleep and fussing a lot.

    Like

    • It’s hard to think clearly about anything at all when you’re sleep deprived! To answer your questions, I think I would need to know a little more information. How exactly is he testing you? I would also need to know more about your perspective on discipline. Without knowing that information, I can generally say that you are absolutely right that your son is testing you, just maybe not in the way it seems… He’s testing you in the way that he’s testing everything in the world right now. It’s like he’s a little scientist trying to make sense of cause & effect. He can’t yet understand that he may be frustrating you. So yes, our babies are INCREDIBLY stubborn because they are SO determined to figure-out this new world around them. Maybe a better word than stubborn would be: persistent. It’s an innate need to understand and to master their environment. For an AMAZING resource on parenting from a developmental perspective try checking-out this link: http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/11-month-old-tantrums. I love her approach (she calls it Aikido Parenting) The idea is that we take our babies’ developmental level into consideration and then find ways to work with them to get their needs met. The goal is to eliminate power struggles while keeping appropriate boundaries in place. Check it out and please let me know what you think! Thanks for your comment =)

      Like

  3. To extend your thought on people commenting about babies as if they are doing something purposeful, I think it’s just as bad when I hear folks talk about their kids in other mature terms, like “Oh, she’s such a flirt,” or talking about what a heart-breaker he’ll be.

    Like

Thank you for joining the conversation!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s