I’m gonna warn you, I’m not really in a cheerleader mood as I write this so I may not come to some insightful and uplifting conclusion at the end of this post. We’ll see.
Here’s my ugly: I really dislike pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period. So much so, that I’m not sure I’ll do it again. I wish I was one of those birth goddesses that radiates fertility and has an orgasm while giving birth. Yeah. Women actually do that apparently. Well, I’m not one of ’em. I was a bloated pregnant woman and birth was no picnic.
When I break it down, it’s like this: The birth was just a day and I can do anything for a day. I really wasn’t a fan of pregnancy but again, it’s 9 months… Maybe I could try to be pregnant during the winter next time. But nothing can seem to ease my mind about going through ALL of it (combined) again. The postpartum period included. I really have a hard time with my body right now… I just feel…flabby. And the whole “dying unto yourself” thing is definitely the hardest part. I love seeing Luca smile, I love holding him as he cries, I even like wiping his cute bum… Of course it was worth it. But could I do it again? I’m not sure. I just don’t know if I have it in me.
The fact that I’m not a fertility goddess makes me really sad. Because truth is, I wish I wanted to do all of this again. I originally wanted to have like four kids! Granted, I was hoping we would also adopt, but I figured we’d have two biological children at least…
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Ok, you are all going to think I’m crazy for interrupting my own post but I feel the need to share what just happened… I’m writing and writing about how hard this motherhood stuff is and blah blah blah? Right? I mean you just read it so you know what I’m talking about. Well, in the middle of writing, Luca started wimpering in his sleep. So, I stopped writing and curled up next to him. His soft little fingers wrapped around mine, his body relaxed, and he drifted back to sleep. I love him so much. Moments like these are divine. Truly a gift from God. My heart feels full and confident. I feel confident that I was made for this. I was made to be a Mama.
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Will Luca be an only child? I doubt it. I want him to have the joys of a sibling. I think I just need to have a little “this isn’t fair” temper-tantrum right now. I’m a little bitter that motherhood takes more sacrifice than I thought it would. I guess I just feel like I was lied to. I need to grieve the idealistic view I had of motherhood. If I am going to do this again, I know I’ll need to embrace it all as it is. The good, the bad, and the jelly belly.