I’m not even going to delete the blank post that I blogged last night, it’s just an indicator of my scattered and sleep-deprived state. Ha! I do apologize if you received an email and anticipated some existentially profound musing, only to be left questioning my motives behind publishing a blank post. Don’t read into it, I was just tired. I would however, like to thank Rishabh Upadhyay for “liking” my blank post. It is rare that an author’s thoughts can be deemed admirable without even writing them down.
Now, on to the real stuff… becoming interruptable. It seems that spell check doesn’t acknowledge “interruptable” as a word and I don’t think this is a coincidence. I hate being interrupted. Well, come on, does anyone like being interrupted? Yesterday, I had my Mama Tribe over and of course, I decided at the last minute to whip-up some corn chowder for everyone. This was going to be my way of blessing everyone (feel free to gag or roll your eyes here, I am). So, I hurry to the store and grab everything needed. Then, on my way to my car I realize that I have accidentally stolen a bag of tortilla chips that had fallen between Luca’s carseat and the cart. Moral dilemma. Ugh. I justify leaving by thinking that I’ve got to get back home so that I can bless the Mamas with lunch (I’m seriously green with disgust as I write this). Then, as I’m driving home, I pass a woman who is barefoot. I had a moment when I swear I heard the Holy Spirit’s voice telling me to pull over and provide her with some shoes. I justified leaving that situation because again, I was in a hurry.
I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’ve been in the best place with God lately. I’m still sort of bitter about the whole pregnancy and birth. I wish that God had taken that suffering away from me. I’ll get more into that another day. The reason I’m sharing that now though, is because I have been feeling myself drifting from God ever since the birth. I’ve been trying to do life on my own, without Him, and let me tell you, it’s lame. But let me also confess to you that living life God’s way is hard. It’s hard to let my plans be interrupted by His plans. It’s so painful to write this out because I know how ridiculous it sounds. “Oh really, Jaclyn? YOU had better plans than THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE?” Well, yes, yes I did. My plans weren’t scary or uncomfortable… but they also weren’t epic either.
I want to be a part of God’s epic plan. I’m sick of trying to live life on my own. I get anxious, fearful, and I find myself expending energy on pointless things. I want Luca’s Mama to be an example of a strong and shining faith. I want to allow God to interrupt me so that I can do the adventurous things that He calls us to. I am praying that He will give me a heart that is sensitive to His promptings and a spirit that is courageous enough to follow. I must admit, I’m sort of ashamed to be crawling back to God, yet again. But, I know that those feelings of shame are not from God. As Caleb prayed over me last night he said that he felt like God wanted me to know how much He loves me and that He never expected me to succeed in doing life well on my own. He’s not disappointed in me but He does want me back. Well, to that I say: Here I am God, broken and willing to let you build me up and send me out to do your work. Let’s do this.
If any of you have a story about God’s grace, I would be encouraged to hear it! Also, I’m on the hunt for a good devotional, suggestions welcome! Thank you friends.