I haven’t posted about my identity crisis for a while and here’s why: it hasn’t been going to so well. I’ve had 3 attempts to do some pretty cool things and only 2.5 of them panned-out.
Attempt #1: Reclaiming Jaclyn by Doing Something Spontaneous that Pre-Pregnancy Jaclyn Would Have Done
That’s right, I attempted to go get my nosed pierced. Pretty wild huh? I thought so too. I’ve always wanted to do it and I thought, “Hey, you just had a kid, what’s a little prick in the nose gonna do? That ain’t got nothin’ on me.” (My inner voice is so gangsta, right?) Major Buzkill: You can’t get piercings right after giving birth or when breast-feeding? I’m not really sure. The piercing guy wasn’t too clear either so I need to do some more research. Regardless, that plan was a no-go. Lame.
Attempt #2: Go to Zumba.
Oh, I went to Zumba alright. It was in fact almost the last thing I ever went to in my life. I thought I was going to die. Maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but it wasn’t pretty, trust me. The laughing, bouncing, booty-shakin’ Jaclyn was now a sluggish, sweating, near-tears Jaclyn who couldn’t wait for class to be over. So I guess I “went” at least. I did finish the class, but I’m really disappointed. It just wasn’t fun like it once was.
Attempt #3: Redecorate Living Room
One of my favorite hobbies is to redecorate the house while Caleb is at work so that I can see his reaction. This attempt to reclaim myself was actually partially successful. I did redecorate the living room (and only spent $8, thank you Pinterest) and Caleb was happily surprised. However, it all came at a price that I wish I hadn’t paid and I’m not talking about the 8 bucks. The whole day, I totally disregarded Luca. Sure I fed him and changed him, but I didn’t delight in him as I usually do. I saw him as a nuisance. He was inconveniencing MY plans to do MY project so that I could feel good about ME. It was all about me and it was horrible. He fussed all day. It was like he KNEW I wasn’t in the mood to cater to him. Well, at the end of the day, my living room might have looked cooler but I felt like a bad mom. Honestly, I would rather have a lame living room.
Lessons Learned: Remember in the show Full House where Danny (the dad) would sit down with DJ
(or whoever) and the serious music would play and then they’d talk about what she learned from whatever PG-rated mistake she had made? Consider this to be that moment. This whole “Reclaiming Jaclyn” thing is going to take time. There will be bumps in the road. In fact, it will be particularly rocky because I’m not only reclaiming who I once was but I’m also stepping-in to the woman I’m becoming as a mom. I’m learning what my new values are. For example, maybe in the past I could have Pinterested my living room in one day, but I have a kid now. Now, it might take me 2 or 3 days and that’s ok. It’s ok because my number one value is loving on my kid. Spending time with my boy is more important to me and leaves me feeling more fulfilled than any craft project ever could.
So, there’s my update on my identity crisis for this week. Here’s hoping that next week is more successful!